How I Know I Can Make it as a Dad

This past weekend, my wife's nephew (I guess my nephew-in-law) came down with her family.
We are pretty tight...not in a Michael Jackson sort of way. I taught him to call me "brotha".

Cute stuff aside.

This past weekend, he really wanted to play basketball with me in the park near my house. He had been feeling sick for most of the weekend but I promised if he felt better I would take him to the court. After, a spell of the raunchiest gas I have ever smelt and vomiting, he swore he was fine to go play a game of b-ball.

So I take him...About 10 minutes into the game the following plays itself out.

Jonathan (the kid) : Escuse me, excuse me...
Me: What's wrong?
Jonathan: We have to go back to your house right now.
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Jonathan: I just went bathroom in my pants.
Me: Pee or Poo?
Jonathan: Diarrhea.

I almost busted out laughing but something held it in...I took his hand and began to walk him back to the house. All the while he held his backside out as far as he could as if that would keep the slowly creeping poo from touching him.

We finally near my house and he makes me promise not to tell anyone. We sneak by his grandparents and into the bathroom. I leave him there and look for some clothes he can change into...nothing. I go back and tell him I can't find any more of his clothes. He tells me there aren't anymore and just to get him some wipes.

Fortunately, after two baby showers, I have plenty of those in stock. I hand him one through the door and he hands me his poo streaked underwear back.

Me: What am I supposed to do with these?
Jonathan: Get rid of them!
Me: Where?
Jonathan: I don't care...just put them away.

I decide my best bet is to use my toilet as an agitator and dunk the underwear quickly up and down while flushing the toilet. He walks in on me doing this and tells me that his underwear are going to clog the toilet. I explain what I am doing, but I don't think he gets what I am saying.

I go to the sink and wash the rest off with soap. I then proceed to pick up my wife's hairdryer and for 10 minutes blow dry his shorts. I hand them back to him and tell him to put them back on.

Later that night he told me that during his bath his mom didn't notice the stain. He hi-fived me and went to bed.

This dad thing is in the bag...

Now, promise not to tell...

The Revelation will be televised

Revelations: the mini-series will begin tomorrow night and I can't say that I am not excited(that's a double negative...translation: I am excited). I hope it doesn't become a Bible for Beginners promo.

I have been thinking a lot about ways the Bible could be updated to this day-and-time. I finally decided it would have to be changed to an e-mail or text message version.

The letters to Romans and would be filled with emoticons, abbreviations, and caps/lower case letters for impact.

I overheard someone say recently that if Jesus and his prophets were around today, they would have been technology savvy. Somehow the image of Jesus with a Blackberry text messaging Judas doesn't jibe for me.

Judas: LTNS

Jesus: TIA 4 givng me ^ 2 the romans

Judas: :-C AWGTHTGTTA

Jesus: :-e major snafu. B4 I jet. I 4give u.

Judas: TANSTAAFL

Jesus: TYCLO! No need to :-O

Judas: LOL. L8R


I have never been very good at that e-mail jargon. That actually took a lot out of me.

My Infatuation with Black Face

Recently at a party, I impetuously (and hopefully accidentally) blurted out something regarding black face. Of course, I blurted out everything from Lola LaQuinta (a reference to what other famous hotel tycoon daughters names might be) to filming racy sex scenes while keeping the ratings down by panning up to the image of a clown dancing and honking a horn at his waist.

Why black face?

Who knows...

I fear the consequences are grave.

I have finally come to a point in my life where I have no real control of what comes out of my mouth. I am a virtuoso of verbal doo-doo.

Wasn't "Verbal Doo-Doo" an album by Wu Tang?